PTI - What they will say on draft day
Saturday is the "annual selection meeting" according to the NFL, and the only legitimate excuse to watch Mel Kiper for more than a minute (about eight hours to be exact), The Bucs UK FFL are having their own draft party in preparation for the official FFL draft in July. So on with the NFL draft and what will happen pick-by-pick on Saturday night.
1 Houston Texans
The NFL will employ Tom Hanks to ceremonially open the draft and when the microphones break, he will get to call the Texans to tell them that "Houston, we have a problem"
2 New Orleans Saints
Owner Tom Benson will stand up to welcome his new player. "We hope that he is happy here in Los Angeles, sorry San Antonio, sorry New Orleans, for many years to come."
3 Tennessee Titans
Will draft a guard. In order to protect their training complex from infiltration by quarterbacks with huge salary cap numbers for 2006.
4 New York Jets
No matter who they pick, the Jet fans in the audience will boo. ESPN will run a clip of a draft from 40 years ago when Joe Namath is booed off stage as being "not NFL worthy" and Chris Mortensen will describe the Jet faithful as a room full of "too many broken hearts".
5 Green Bay Packers
Before they can introduce their pick, Brett Favre runs on stage to announce that he will hold a press conference next week at which he will announce the date for a press conference to decide if he is going to turn up to his final press conference or not.
6 San Francisco 49ers
Will complete their selections and be criticised for "not filling all their needs". But seeing as their needs were QB, RB, WR, TE, G, T, C, K, P, DE, DT, LB, CB, S and a new stadium, it was hardly surprising.
7 Oakland Raiders
Will want to draft someone in line with the current character of their team. So a Hell's Angel who can't run and has a drug problem will be ideal here.
8 Buffalo Bills
Chris Berman will for the 16th straight year, correctly predict the Bills' pick based "on what a New Jersey cab driver told him on the way here."
9 Detroit Lions
Matt Millen will draft another wide receiver in the first round because "you can't have enough of a good thing". Like him and all the pies.
10 Arizona Cardinals
Will draft Lawrence of Arabia as he was the only person they interviewed beforehand who claimed he would be happy in the desert.
Will draft Paul McCartney's wife, Heather Mills, to be their new running back. Mel Kiper Jr immediately pronounces she will rush for 1,000 yards in 2006 and every fantasy league owner makes a mental note to draft her even though she's only got one leg.
Missed their turn to draft because they couldn't park their boat on the Hudson River.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Will take the next NFC Offensive Rookie of the Year leading Falcon GM Rich McKay to lie "that he wasn't on our board anyway."
And some other things to look out for - Paul Tagliabue only stays for the first 20 or so picks. So the over/under on him handing over to one of his associates (and look for the betting on the next commissioner to be heavy on whoever it is at the podium), is five hours into the draft.
Other bets you can take are how long it takes Suzy Kolber to ask a totally pointless question (over/under is 20 seconds), how long it takes Drew Rosenhaus to get his ugly mug on the telly (two minutes), and how long it takes Mel Kiper to claim "he predicted that pick" (immediately after the Texans draft Reggie Bush).
You've been great - enjoy Jason Donovan (and the draft)
Paul Stewart, April 2006.